


I'm Doing Fine

by ilovemygaydad



Series: Friends in Dark Places [3]
Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-01-17 19:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad
Summary: This is a companion mini-series for Friends in Dark Places. I’m having a bit of trouble continuing that story right now, and I got a really good idea for this story, so I’m going to be updating this one for the next few weeks. Hope you guys understand.Summary: (Junor year; about six months before Patton and Virgil meet) Patton isn’t feeling his normal happy self anymore.Warnings: depression, panic attacks, self deprecating thoughts, self doubt, feelings of worthlessness, self hatred, minor descriptions of self harm/suicide, minor descriptions of verbal violence





	1. Chapter 1

**_October 7, 2016_ **

Patton couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t that he couldn’t  _physically_  get out of bed; he didn’t have the  _mental strength_  to get up. He pulled his blue duvet over his eyes and aggressively punched the snooze button on his alarm clock. Another missed day of school. Whatever.

Twenty minutes later, Mrs. Shea walked into Pat’s room with a worried expression pulling at her face. This was the third time this month he hadn’t gotten up for school.

“Hey, kiddo. You feeling okay?” she whispered, softly making her way to the side of his bed. Patton was laying in a tight ball under the covers; his hair barely poking out from underneath it.

“My stomach hurts really bad…” Lies. Everything he’d been saying recently was one giant lie. “I think I should stay home today.”

His mom sighed. “Alright. I’ll leave some soup in the fridge for you to heat up if you get hungry, but I’ve got to go to work now. Love you.”

“Love you too.” As soon as he heard the door click shut, Patton released the choked sob he’d been holding in. There was no reason for him to be so sad; he had a wonderful family, so many beautiful belongings, caring friends. And yet here he was, laying in bed and feeling like the most useless piece of garbage known to man.

Tears ran across the bridge of his nose and across his cheek, sinking into his pillowcase and leaving a growing wet patch in the fabric. Pat stayed under his blanket crying until he finally was released into the realm of sleep

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Have you seen Patton? He wasn’t in first block,” Roman asked Logan as they sat down at their lunch table. Patton never missed school unless he physically couldn’t get out of bed. And yet this was the third time this month he’d been absent.

“No, and I’m starting to get worried. He’s been acting strangely as of late. I can’t help but wonder what must be going on.” Logan took a bite of his sandwich and flipped on his phone, pulling up Patton’s text conversation. “And look.”

 

 _Logan_  

_Read October 6 at 7:15 pm_

Patton, what did you get for the third problem in the chemistry packet? I want to double check my answers.

 

 _Patton_  

_Delivered October 6 at 7:18 pm_

I haven’t done it yet. I’ll check in with you after advisement tomorrow.

 

_Logan_

_Read October 6 at 7:25 pm_

Don’t worry about it, Patton. I’ll just ask someone else. Good night.

 

“I sent that first text at around seven pm, which was around the time I finished my homework after crew, and the second at 7:19, so right after he sent his text. He  _never_  takes that long to look at or reply to texts. Plus, he didn’t say goodnight to me. I truly am worried.” Logan pushed up his glasses, which had slipped down his nose, and looked at Roman. The usually over-the-top teen looked sullen as he mulled over the information.

“Can your mom drive us to Patton’s house after school?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They arrived at Pat’s as soon as humanly possible after school. They’d explained to Mrs. Christiansen that Patton had missed school and they were going to help him figure out what homework he needed to get done. Thankfully, she’d bought the lie and gave them no questions.

Roman hopped out of the minivan and practically sprinted to the door, roughly poking the doorbell. He could hear the bright ring sound through the house as Logan walked up behind him. They waited for two minutes, but nobody showed up. He rang again, this time with less aggression.

Less than a minute later, the door swung open and a disheveled Patton was standing in the doorway. His hair was going in practically every direction and he had rumpled pajamas that were far too large for his slight frame. Pat’s nose was red and his eyes looked slightly puffy. The smile on his lips looked fake and didn’t meet his eyes in the slightest.

“Hey, guys! What’s up?” The cheerful ring in Patton’s voice was gone, replaced by a duller version of himself.

_Act natural. They can’t know. This is your cross to bear; not theirs._

“We wanted to come check on you since you didn’t come to school,” Logan explained, casting a worried glance at Roman. This was unsettling.

_Just get them out._

“Thanks for the gesture, kiddos, but I’m all good! Just a bit of a cold, you know? Well, I’ll see you both tomorrow.” The door began to swing closed, but Ro shot out his hand to stop it.

_Damn it! Try harder._

“Woah, Pat. Calm down there. Are you sure you’re okay; you look like you’ve been crying.” Roman’s voice was laced with caution, not wanting to seem too interrogative.

Patton’s smile faltered for a second before coming back with even more faux brightness than ever. “It’s just the cold. Darn thing’s making my eyes water and nose run!”

_Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies._

“Right…” Logan didn’t believe a word he was saying. “Why didn’t you come to school today? You seem well enough for your usual standards to not miss—OW!”

Roman’s heel dug hard into Logan’s toes, warning him not to overstep any boundaries.

“I was feeling really awful this morning; I could barely roll over in bed.”

“Pat, we’re just worried about you. You’re our best friend,” Roman interjected.

_I’m doing fine._

“There’s no need! I’m doing great!”

Logan desperately cut in. “You haven’t been acting like yourself recently. Our text conversations have been curt and to the point, and you haven’t sent your trademark goodnight text in well over a week—“

“ _I SAID I’M FINE!_ ” Patton yelled, finally at the end of his rope. His two friends stared at him in shock, mouths hanging open and eyes wide. Pat stood there for a moment to catch his breath before he realized what he’d just done. He sunk to the ground and roughly tugged at his hair in frustration. Tears began to stream down his face and sobs racked his body.

Suddenly, he was gently picked up off the floor and carried through his house until he was set down on his soft bed. Blankets wrapped around him and soothing words were whispered as he let out all of the pent up shit he’d stored away.

Soon enough, the tears stopped coming and Patton’s breathing slowed down. He shifted to look at Logan, who was sitting cross legged next to him and absently petting Pat’s hair.

“I don’t deserve you guys,” Pat mumbled, shying away from Logan’s touch. That snapped Lo out of his thoughts.

“What do you mean? Of course you do! If anything, Roman and I don’t deserve  _you_.” Logan had his “mom voice” on and was ready to fight any of Patton’s worries away.

“No I don’t. You guys are fantastic and nice, but I’m  _terrible_. I yelled at you. That’s not something that any good friend should do.” Patton sighed and rolled his face back into his pillow. Hopelessness travelled through his body in icy waves.

Logan made an affronted noise. “That is most certainly not true. Roman and I were pushing you past your breaking point; that was our fault. We shouldn’t have done that. You are the best friend anyone could ask for, Patton. You’re compassionate, kind, loyal, and most of all you love each of us with your entire heart.”

“I guess…” Pat trailed off into his pillow. He heard the door click open and someone, probably Roman, walk in. Logan gently kissed his hair and slid off the bed, walking to the door before softly closing it again. Outside he could faintly hear the muffled voices of his friends talking, but he couldn’t quite make out their words.

He slowly drifted back to sleep as his emotional exhaustion caught up with him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“How is he?” Roman asked once the door was closed, making sure his voice was hushed enough that Patton wouldn’t be able to hear.

“I think he’s okay…” Logan fidgeted with his hands. “But I do believe he’s depressed. He has a lot of the symptoms: pessimistic attitude, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, weight loss. I-I’m really worried about him, Roman.”

Tears began to roll down his cheeks as he broke down. Patton was supposed to be the light of the group. He was supposed to provide comfort to them, and they’d in return neglected him. It was their fault. And now they’d lost constancy in their group. Logan’s breathing sped up as he lost control of his feelings.

“Woah, Logan. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. We’ll figure this out.” Roman enveloped Lo in a soft hug. Immoderately, his friend pushed him away, sinking to the floor and pushing his back against the wall. Ro stares at him for a moment in shock before kneeling down and just barely resting his hand on Logan’s knee.

“Hey. You’re going to be okay. Just listen to my voice, okay?” Roman softly began to sing one of Logan’s favorite Pink Floyd songs until he was calm again. “That’s good, Lo. Why don’t you go take a nap in Pat’s bed while I do some research?”

Logan nodded and allowed himself to be led to the plush bed, where he almost instantly fell asleep. Roman sadly smiled at his two friends, both suffering in such different ways.

He sat down at Pat’s desk, opening the laptop and typing in the password.  _pattoncake2001_. As much as Ro loved Patton, he  _really_  needed to get more secure passwords.

Google Chrome popped up once the screen had loaded. Roman’s heart dropped as he looked at the open tabs.

_lasting feelings of worthlessness_

_symptoms of depression_

_how to hide depression from others_

He impulsively collapsed the browser and stared at the dark background of the Spotify app before regaining his senses. Ro felt so bad for Patton; he couldn’t even begin to imagine what his friend must be going through.

As he moved to close Spotify, he caught sight of the playlists Pat had saved. Most of them were things he’d normally listen to, like X Ambassadors, but there were some playlists named “depression help” that just made Roman’s mood sink even further.

After a few more minutes of clicking around, he reopened Chrome and began to Google symptoms of depression for himself. He clicked on the first few links, finding mostly the same things, but then found a link to a Tumblr blog.  _Hmm_. That might help.

Roman immediately regretted his decision. Graphic images of self harm and suicide flooded his screen. Panic bubbles up in his chest until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He snapped the laptop shut and pushed it away from him as if it had physically hurt him.

That was enough research for one day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: suicidal ideation, minor references to sexual activity, alcohol mentions, emotional trauma, asshole ocs, self hate, minor panic attacks

_**October 8, 2016** _

It had gotten so out of control and Patton hadn’t been aware of any of it. He’d had a crush on a girl in his class; she was sweet and intelligent and overall just a good person. Hayley Aster. They’d become really close over the summer, talking for long hours on the phone. But as soon as school started, their friendship was different.

Patton felt as if Hayley was hiding something. And Luke, one of his other friends, was acting weird, too. And now that he really thought about it, so was everyone else.

He’d been curious, of course, but everyone had left him. It was his fault, probably. Patton had begun to distance himself from Logan and Roman, not wanting to upset them. And then he’d learned the truth. Not from Luke, obviously, nor Hayley. It was Kay who had told him on October 1. Hayley and Luke had drunkenly slept with each other and neither had wanted to tell him.

Oh, and that wasn’t all. It never was. Luke apparently had been obsessed with Hayley for over two years and, after finding out that Patton liked her, wanted to ruin his fucking life! Luke spread rumor after rumor about Patton, but nobody had the courage to step up and tell Pat that Luke was the one to start them. They were too terrified by the idea of being Luke’s next target to do anything.

Roman and Logan were too good for him. He didn’t deserve their care. They’d sat by his side all day and night, and they’d only left just now to buy him some of his favorite candy. Pat wasn’t sure if either of them had slept at all, which was also worrying!

Patton was a burden, and he knew that, but he didn’t know what to do about it. Well, he had an idea, but he was too much of a coward to actually go through with it. That was another thing that he was: a coward. Running from his problems and being too afraid to actually do what was best for everyone. They didn’t need him; he was just going to end up sad and lonely.

Suddenly exhausted, Patton curled into his blankets. At least he wasn’t too afraid to sleep.

* * *

 

Logan and Roman had picked up Mr. Christiansen’s disgustingly beat up Intrepid and drove to the Meijer off Main Street. They wanted to pick up candy, of course, and some other nice things for Patton like a new pair of slippers and some nice smelling candles, and they needed to get some things for their respective houses. In short, they had a long list of items to buy.

Roman wheeled their cart around to the stuffed toys isle. The duo browsed for a few moments before Roman pulled a specific plushie from the shelf. A tiny stuffed dog the color of the sky. It was perfectly Patton.

A few beats of soft silence followed the find before Logan spoke; his voice was barely audible over the static noise of the store. “Roman, I’m terrified for Patton. What if he doesn’t get better? What if—What if he—“

Tears streamed down the normally well put together teen. Roman gasped and discarded the toy he was holding in the cart, rushing to tightly hug Logan. Am unsure Logan was never good.

“It’ll be okay, Lo. It will. Patton’s so strong.” Roman’s voice wavered ever so slightly. If Logan wasn’t completely sure that Patton would be okay, then what _would_ happen? Lo knew basically everything! He was their rock; always solid when they needed the support. And now he was crumbling.

“I can’t lose him, Roman! I can’t. Oh, god, he’s supposed to be the sunshine against any darkness in the world, and look at him! I’ve never seen Patton so lost,” Logan sobbed. His body heaved as he pressed his face deep into Roman’s neck. They’d been the perfect trio for what felt like forever, yet everything threatened to fall apart in an instant.

“We’ll help him; I swear on it. We’ll be okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

* * *

  
“Ohmygoodness, I _love_ him!” Patton squealed as his friends presented the tiny plushie to him. It was adorably small, and possibly the tiniest bit understuffed, but Pat adored the little guy.

“What are you going to name him, mon ami?” Roman inquired, pacing the room to put away some of the other items they’d gotten.

“Blue Puppy!” There was a childlike grin on Patton’s face as he lightly squished the toy.

Logan frowned. “That seems a little bit uncreative, even—OW!” A swift jab in the ribs by Roman was enough to shut even the most idiotic brainiacs.

“That’s adorable, Pat! And does Blue Puppy have any friends that you would like to introduce?” Roman knew exactly what he was doing. Patton’s mind seemed to run on a sort of childish encouragement system when he was upset, so, logically, having him make up stories about different things that brought him comfort would help distract from the intrusive thoughts and provide nice feelings.

“Oh, uh, Logan could you grab the bucket of plushies from my closet?” Logan obliged and set the tub on the bed next to Patton. “Alright! Well, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh, of course, and Piglet. Oooh and there’s Zapper. And—oh…”

Patton cut off, pulling a light purple teddy bear from the conglomeration. It didn’t take long for Roman and Logan to figure it out. Hayley had given that stupid fucking bear over the summer. Oh, how could Roman be so stupid as to forget about that?

“Um, I think I’m done for now. Thanks for your help, though.” Pat shoved all of the toys, excluding Blue Puppy, back into the container and lightly slid it away from him. He slipped under the covers, listening to the muted noises of his friends cleaning up. The door clicked shut, and Patton was alone.

He’d always be alone.


End file.
